Thank you, Tracey! I love memes :D Exited to get mine.

Xeno- I just want to give you a hug. Some people go their whole lives without such an epiphany. "The unexmined life is not worth living" (Socrates)

Xeno - thank you for modeling vulnerability so beautifully for us. Vulnerability, I'm convinced, is the key to true intimacy. It is the purest form of trust - sharing yourself fully and honestly. My greatest respect to you and others who are strong enough to be vulnerable. ❤️

Wow Xeno. I'm sitting here alone. My chest hurts from holding my breath while I read your piece. My heart hurts for the pain of a little boy to a young man. My eyes sting with tears for not being able to reach out and hug you close.

Have you read this out loud or had someone else read it out loud to you? It is exactly what Nancy said above - 'modeling vulnerability so beautifully for us'. She said it perfectly and I have no doubt if BB read your piece, she would be just as blown away as the rest of us.

YOU have found your tipping point. There is a wonderful book by that name The Tipping Point written by Malcolm Gladwell. It was given out as a gift to those who attended the Ebony awards a few years ago in NYC. It is one of those books, like The Alchemist, The Secret, Anything written by the Dahli Lama or Deepok Chopra - that you read it now - and learn something amazing. You read it again in six months, a year, etc. and you will learn even more. I think you would find it quite interesting. A dear friend several years ago, gave me another book - Better Boundaries - Owning and Treasuring Your Life by Jan Black and Greg Enns. I wish I read it sooner - I am just now learning how treasuring your self and your life truly is.

What really amazes me too - and please everyone, tell me if you find this just as amazing as I do. Here is a young man, across an ocean, putting into print exactly the same things I've experienced, felt, tortured myself over, blamed and wept about. How is this possible?! I grew up in Jersey for pete sake! Yet as humans - we have that common thread. Its woven into the fabric of everyone's life. It connects us on levels no one really ever expected. Can you imagine the good that could be done if everyone became aware of it - cared for it and played those threads like strings on a guitar. Oh the music that could be made and the healing would be wondrous.

Thank you Xeno. Thank you for being brave and strong and baby you better believe that is true, or a bunch of highly creative, passionate women are going to come over there and kick your butt! YOU are special. YOU are exactly enough! XO

Oh my goodness Patty and Wendy and Nancy!!! I second every single thing every one of you said! I, of course, will write more, but I had to say that right now!

And Xeno, you better believe it baby. You are beyond awesome and (as I've already told you) incredibly inspiring, a trail blazer, and a leader in the arena. We absolutely WILL come over there and kick your butt if you don't believe it.

I love my meme Tracey! Thank you so much for that!! Is there any way we can get our memes sent to us to use? I thank you for creating this inspiring book club and safe forum:)

Xeno, thank you for your words and your vulnerability. I think you speak of something that resonates with a lot of people. Much like Patricia said, it is "woven into the fabric of everyone's lives." This reminds me of the old saying, "You can't give what you don't have" and goes back to self love. I too realized that I was trying to give so much of what I didn't have to fill a void but realized that I was only drying up my own reserves even more. I'm still learning to accept that I won't ever get what I want from certain people. I will never be loved the way I dreamt or appreciated like I wanted to be from them. No one was left but me to fill my cup. My godfather once pointed out that I never asked for help and I couldn't receive compliments. Deep inside I didn't feel that I deserved any of it. Until I learned to first and foremost fill my needs was I able to truly receive from others. It's a constant works in progress, learning to feel and feed your worth.

Wow, Xeno, such a heartfelt, beautiful piece you wrote! I just want to jump on a plane and give you a hug!

Yes, Patricia, it is amazing that we share so many common threads. When our needs are not met, and we struggle with coming to terms with our experiences, our pain is similar even though actual circumstances can be very different.

Xeno, one line you wrote struck a chord with me: "That’s why when people praised me for my smarts and intelligence, I shrugged it off. I still haven’t forgotten about the rice."

I get along well with my dad now, and he appreciates all I do for him. He's 88 and I know he loves me and is proud of the person I am (who I am as well as what I have done). That's all fine but whenever he praises me now, I cringe inside. It's a gut reaction that I had to rumble with because it seemed ridiculous to not be thrilled at hearing those words from him, finally. The problem was that in my heart it simply felt too late. I needed to feel cared for, encouraged, understood and valued as a child. I needed to know then that he was in my corner. How could I believe in my worthiness, value or potential when he didn't teach me I had them? I had to raise myself emotionally, and now I know I am worthy of praise. I am valued. I am understood. But because he wasn't the one to ultimately get me to this wonderful place, his words of praise only remind me that I needed to hear those words from him decades ago; I don't need to hear them from him now.

But I just force a smile so he can feel good about what he says. It's feels weird for me, but I don't want to cause him any pain by doing anything different. I can live with the way it is now between us because I have so many other people in my life who give me so much just by being my friend.

So, Xeno, I am happy to hear you are letting love in, letting friendship in, letting feelings come out. The more you show who you are to the world, the sooner you will meet the people who will cherish you and give you what you need. None of us can "un-burn the rice" in our respective pasts, yet insight as well as healthy relationships can overshadow the pains of yesteryear. As Brene says, we can change how our stories end.

Wow Xeno- Well, I think you know by now how I feel about you and your writing and your willingness to go here to where you go. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm so honored by each and every one of you, but since Xeno is our only fella, I think it's taken an extra dose of courage to share so openly here. Thank you again.

This chapter resonated with me deeply in many ways, but two in particular. First, about our need to be able to receive as well as to give. Back when I wrote my gratitude post that came out on Thanksgiving, I received a voicemail. I wrote that piece--which was about the fact that I was having a hard time dealing with just about everything and was crying all the time--because I wanted to let other people know, if they struggle at the holidays, that they are not alone. The post just sort of fell out of me, and scary as it was, I put it out in the world without expectation, but like I said, hoping it might help someone. Then the weirdest thing happened. A day or two later, I looked at my phone and noticed I had missed a phone call from a very dear friend of mine. I listened to her voicemail and tears welled up my eyes again. She had called to let me know she was there for me, that she had my back, that she was ready to lend an ear whenever I need it. Her message meant more to me than I can possibly express here, especially about how grateful I was to hear it and to have her in my life, but here's the other thing I felt...and this is all about me. I felt like a loser. I felt worthless. I felt ashamed that I had caused someone to need to call me and coddle me and leave a message like that. Now, I've read enough Brene to know where those feelings were coming from--but that moment, when I put my cell phone and felt this wave of negative emotions come over, I realized just how much more work I have to do in this arena about believing that I am enough. That I am worthy of love and compassion. That I can receive as well as give. I have an easy time believing it in my head, not so easy a time believing it in my heart.

Here's another memory that struck me while I read this chapter. It, too, makes me feel ashamed and I don't think I've ever discussed it with anyone. Years ago, when I was still working in HR for a charter jet airline, I drove to work every day through the valley to reach the Van Nuys airport. One day, I looked to my right, and noticed that there was a man lying on the ground. Mind you, this happened pretty quickly because I was driving by in my car, but in seconds, my mind took in the details. He was prostrate on the ground, not moving. By his clothes, he appeared to be homeless. I had no idea if he was hurt or asleep or even dead. I drove past and had the very distinct thought that I should pull over and check on him and maybe call 911. Then I kept driving. On and off over the years, I have chastised myself for not stopping. I did nothing. I didn't even call the police after I got to work figuring by then that someone would have beaten me to it. I'm disgusted with myself. I don't understand what Brene means when she says that it was not pain or hurt that made her look away, but that it was her own need. I DO understand what she says about how we try to solve problems, that we do more of what's not working, just by doing it harder, grinding it out longer. That's the story of my life until more recent years. And I DO understand her question, "How can we be truly comfortable and generous in the face of someone's need when we're repelled by our own?"

Hmmm. Well, I don't have answers for myself to what I've proffered here. Musings that I'll maybe understand better down the line. I know it's important, and that thinking about it will eventually lead somewhere.

Thank you so much Xeno: "My life turned into a tall, sturdy, and empty fortress that’s also dark, lonely, and cold. I needed some warmth to light me. I needed some touch to ignite me, to show me it’s alright to be sad, to fail, to hope, to scream, to dream, to cry, to fly, to feel, and to love."

Me, too.

Xeno, thank you for opening your heart and sharing pieces of your story. I could relate on several layers. I realize my mom did the best she could with what she had - as BB discussed in chapter 7.

This weekend, I visited with my mom and her husband. I told her that I had started taking antidepressants again - that I believed I had a chemical imbalance in addition to dealing with some tough environmental pressures. She brought up a time in the past where she recognized had to have been difficult for me. She moved out of our 5 bedroom home to live with her "boyfriend" when I was 19 y.o. I was blown away that she actually brought that up - 34 yrs. later. It was a step towards me that was so unexpected and out of character. You never know...

Susan, your comment "I had to raise myself emotionally" really hit a chord with me. That is exactly my experience. BB's work is helping me to continue raising myself emotionally.

Tracey, I was in Atlanta the weekend before and had several opportunities of facing homeless people on the streets and being asked for $. Generally, I just give money and walk away. Several times, though, I was by myself walking the streets at night from my conference center to my hotel and was asked for money. One time I pretended not to hear the request and another time I was asked for $10 and just gave the change from my pocket while mumbling that was all I had. I felt like a fraud. Reading chapter 8 right after these incidences helped me understand my discomfort. I had "diminished the homeless person's humanity and my own". "I was so afraid of my own need that I couldn't look need in the eye." So much rumbling to do. Thankful for this platform!

Wow, so much beauty and revelation in all of your posts, in this chapter, and especially in your story, Xeno! I second everything that's been said here and am grateful for your vulnerability and willing to be so raw and open here.

My biggest takeaways for this chapter were around the human need to be seen. I spent much of my life in the shadows, because I was afraid of being seen, or more accurately, judged. I could show up for anyone in my life, drop everything to help them but I couldn't ask for help or allow myself to truly be vulnerable out of that fear of judgment or of being perceived as being selfish. I had the co-dependency thing down, for sure. :) BB talks about the warm embrace of belonging, of being part of something you love or believe in. I felt like that was what I was experiencing in different relationships, but it wasn't a two-way street. It was me giving everything I thought others wanted and not letting myself be authentic. So I was stuck between false illusions of connection clashing with the paralyzing fear of judgment. And the fear of admitting my own needs because of not wanting to be selfish.

This sentence summed it all up for me: "Giving help can occasionally feel vulnerable. Asking for help always means risking vulnerability." I recently completed a 10-day challenge with some women around how to be more gentle with ourselves and give ourselves permission to acknowledge need, and one of the challenges was asking for help. I left it wide open intentionally, and even then it was amazing how difficult it was for so many to ask for help, even for small things. We're conditioned from a young age that we shouldn't need help, we should be able to do everything. And that's such a pervasive and unhealthy expectation that I hope we can surpass.

I'm still struggling with the concept "It wasn't the pain or the hurt that made me look away. It was my own need" as well. I'm not sure what she means. I struggle with helping homeless people, and appreciate how succinctly you were able to voice those conversations that go on in your head and your fears, Susan. That's exactly what I think. Every time. And I never stop, I never give them food, or money. I donate clothes to the women's shelter, I just sent 3 bags full of boots, jackets, hats, gloves, and long underwear to Syrian refugee camp. And I feel great about that. But I judge the homeless in my own town, and don't know if they're legit homeless or if I'm safe. And that frustrates the hell out of me and makes me incredibly sad. And I don't know the answer or a better way. I do understand what she means by trying to solve a problem by doing more of what we already do, what's not working. I'm grateful for many years of self-reflection and curiosity to be able to honestly ask myself where things are working and where they aren't, but it's easier to identify than it is to change.

Lastly, I love the definition of connection she shared here:

"The energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship." It took me 10 years of an alcoholic and abusive marriage, 7 years of recovery and personal growth work to be able to finally understand what this actually means, AND to be able to experience it wholeheartedly. Wow, relationships are so much more rewarding and beautiful with this definition of connection!

This was a big one. Thanks everyone for your curiosity and openness!

Heather

Thank you, Steph! I hope that your mom bringing that up 34 years later leads to better things between you two.