It’s so true, Kellly!

We do have more power to heal ourselves than we sometimes realize! Thanks Kelly!

Lots to riff off from your comments, Kelly!

First, it seems you have experienced anxiety and depression, but in a more "normal" way. I would bet that most people experience those feelings. It's just a matter of degree and source. For example, one might feel a bit anxious about starting up another school year (elementary, middle, high school, or college). Will I get a nice teacher? Will some of my friends be in my class/classes? Then, after a day or two, one usually adjusts and then life goes on. Or, like me, the anxiety didn't let up after a few days. The bulk of the anxiety was at the beginning of the school year, but every Sunday, with school starting up again the next day, my anxiety increased as afternoon waned into evening. I wasn't worried anymore about teachers or who my classmates were. It wasn't a specific thing that I could identify back then. But it was a general nervousness about waking up on time, getting to school on time, doing well at school, getting my homework done... It seems so strange, now looking back, because it was in my nature to be punctual and conscientious. And I wasn't overwhelmed with homework until I got to college. So, I took anxiety to a heightened degree than most others would.

And as far as the source goes, remember that I'd recently written about getting genetic testing for my brother before I got pregnant? Well, I think it's understandable that I was concerned about the health of my potential child. I wasn't super stressed out about what the results would show because if it proved to be a genetic condition, I had options - amniocentesis, abortion, adoption, or getting my tubes tied. When I did get pregnant with no fear that my brother's condition was genetic, I developed anxiety that my baby might have Down Syndrome. Of course there are some similaries between the symptoms my brother had and those of Down Syndrome, but they are very separate conditions. I had no reasonable basis for my anxiety. No source outside of my own mind.

The second thing I want to comment on is about how you didn't understand your husband's depression at the time. It's tragic that our society used to think of mental health as a taboo subject, only creating even more stress on those inflicted and their families. We are only just begining to openly address the topic in schools, the media, etc. It's not your fault that you didn't understand what was going on. Most people still don't understand. Stigma is all over mental illness. You did see the anxiety your son was dealing with even if you didn't completely undertstand it. And it scared you. You were watching and listening. A person of any age, your son included, can benefit from learning ways to ease anxiety. I mean, coping skills of all sorts need to be taught to everyone.

Why was laughing your reaction? It's very interesting that you wrote about that. When I lost my 1st grandparent, I was about 7 years old. No one talked to me about it. At least I don't remember if anyone did. I know now that my mom losing her mom was a tremendous loss. With my parents focused on my brother most of the time anyway, between him and my grandmother dying, I was watching others but I don't think I had anyone watching out for my emotional health. So, when my grandmother died, I knew it was a bad thing, a big thing, but I had no vehicle to explore my feelings. At the funeral service, I can vividly remember sitting with my immediate family and my grandfather behind a veiled curtain off to the side of where everyone else was seated. And what did I do? I giggled. I soooooo knew this was not appropriate. I knew in my head that this was not a funny situation. I didn't want to giggle. But the feeling overcame me. I covered my mouth, tried to be quieter, and fought like hell to stop giggling. I wasn't very successful and no one ever spoke a word about it to me.

We all know what a nervous laugh is. I think you and I were in a highly emotional situation without understanding its complexities, or how to deal with it. A nervous laugh on steroids. Ever since then, unless a speaker was telling a joke, I've had no urge to giggle at a funeral. So I must have learned some coping skills.

SO inspiring Faithe..thank you for sharing!

Faithe, what you wrote about the "fight, flight or freeze" response is really interesting. I hadn't thought about anxiety in that way. I have relatives/ancestors that suffered from depression and other forms of mentall illness. I guess my direct ancestors' DNA got short-circuited somewhere along the line, or just didn't transmit the message that we don't need to be on the lookout anymore to avoid being eaten my a sabertooth tiger.

I'm glad that you practice mindfullness every day. We definitely can retrain our brains to serve us better, giving us more time and energy to enjoy our lives.

Oh, sorry, I have to get offline. I hear a banging noise outside. I think a wooly mammoth might be out there, knocking down my door.

Yes, changing is hard work! And it does take time. When I was in therapy years ago, I wanted to go more often to fast-forward my progress. The therapist said that's not how it works. lol

I'm amazed that for many people, myself included, we can be in the middle of emotional turmoil so often and still feel like this is just how life goes for everyone. We don't even realize our coping mechanisms aren't normal. We don't know we could get help and work to have a better life. And then, if we become enlightened to the fact that we could change for the better, the idea of going to therapy or reading a bunch of self-help books might feel overwhelming. That takes up precious time. It costs money. Who needs to dredge up the past? The whole concept can feel scary. So, maybe we could deal with emotions sometime in the future, right?

I am grateful I realized that I could change and that I worked to change. It was so worth the benefits. And of course there's more to learn and more room to grow.